“You’re pathetic!”

Did you hear that at boarding school?

Was it directed at you? Was it directed at someone else?  

For me that’s just the most awful thing that could be said. “He’s a cry-baby”. “He’s always blubbering”. How did you feel? Not easy just to brush off, is it? It tears down to the roots of your boarding school self. “You should be able to cope”. “Why don’t you bury that emotional stuff? We don’t need it. It makes us feel uncomfortable”. “You’re letting us down”. “You’re letting your parents down”.

It continues after leaving boarding school.

“Why are you so negative about your time there?”, “You had the best education there is. You should be grateful, stop whingeing.”, “There’s so many people worse off then you”.  Those you knew at boarding school talk breezily about what a great time they had had at boarding school. Such fun! Such good friends!

 If I don’t feel that way, does it mean that I’m inadequate?

Survival mode

 My time at boarding school taught me to be independent. It’s how I survived. There was no one else to help. Besides, I was proud at being able to sort things out for myself. Getting anyone else involved inevitably meant there were problems. Commitments and obligations I’d rather be without.  Much better to do it myself!

Finding help

 Yet I found I did need help. I sought therapy because things weren’t working out. My relationships were a disaster. I didn’t know who I was. The self I had constructed for myself to survive left me dissatisfied with life, unable to relate to what really mattered to me.

Did it help? Certainly. Was it a quick fix? Hell, no.  What it did for me was to put me on a new and different path. The path to authentic living, of having the courage to be vulnerable, to admit that I made mistakes, to joyfully discover that I am not alone in the world.